TLDR: If the whispers from the south are to be believed, Brian Kelly of LSU, who’s crafted a name for himself in Michigan’s past, might just be the Wolverines’ next head coach if Jim Harbaugh decides to suit up for the NFL. Matt Moscona, an LSU radio host, has got folks chattering by suggesting that Brian Kelly would trade his tiger stripes for maize and blue if given the chance. A move that I, for one, hope is as unlikely as a snow-free Michigan winter—because all I want for Christmas is for this unpalatable rumor to melt away like snow in April.

The rumbles through the grapevine could potentially upend the holidays for us staunch Michigan fans. Word on the street is, and y’all might want to sit down for this, that if Jim Harbaugh trades his khakis for an NFL headset, Brian Kelly of LSU might be on deck for Michigan. Now, I don’t mean to stir up a fuss, but I would rather re-gift last year’s fruitcake than welcome this news.

Let’s put this in perspective: Harbaugh, our khaki-clad leader, has Michigan DNA running through his veins and has built our program back up to a competitive powerhouse. And Brian Kelly? He’s the guy who coached at Notre Dame, of all places—our arch-rival. Watching him on the sideline of The Big House might just leave a worse taste than Aunt Edna’s boiled brussels sprouts.

LSU’s radio host Matt Moscona is out there stirring the pot, claiming a high confidence that Kelly would be on the next train to Ann Arbor if the position opens up. To him, I say: “Keep your gumbo and your coaches!” Michigan doesn’t do well with spicy, and that’s exactly what a coaching switch-up would be.

Maybe it’s just me, but the thought of Kelly trading Baton Rouge for our neck of the woods feels as snug as a square peg in a round hole. Sure, he’s seen his share of ten-win seasons, but that’s with a team we’re accustomed to rooting against. Kelly may know his X’s and O’s, but he doesn’t know Michigan.

As we tuck into the festive season, all I’m asking for is for this rumor to be just that—a rumor. I can deal with snow, late package deliveries, even that one uncle who tells the same story every year, but Brian Kelly coaching the Wolverines? That’s one Christmas surprise I’m happily returning.

Michigan football has been on my nice list for as long as I can remember, and the thought of Kelly leading our boys has me wondering if we’ve suddenly switched to the naughty list. So here’s to hoping that when the snow settles, Harbaugh is still calling plays from our sidelines, and this Kelly talk is as distant as the echoes of last year’s carols.